Mullberry Whine

poured out before bed

Are We Sober Yet?

…happy now? (Ice cream sundaes in Osaka, by Flying Toaster) …

Me:  I did a couple of therapeutic para’s* today.  They were a cinch.

Mr Whine:  Oh yeah?  Were they frequent fliers?

Me:  Yep.  Didn’t even flinch.  The one comes in twice a week.

Mr. Whine:  I don’t suppose he’s a transplant candidate?

Me:  (extending my thumb and pinky while curling the other fingers, placing the thumb to my lips and rotating my wrist vigorously)

Mr. Whine:  Wait….it’s not Mr. Jonathon Jones is it?

Me:  Actually, that was his name.

Mr. Whine:  Oh God.  I’ve got him in clinic.  He always comes in drunk.

Me:  Yeah, he was pretty loopy today, too.  I probably didn’t even need the lido.**

Mr. Whine:  Well….at least he’s feeling no pain.

Me:  He’ll be feeling nothing in short order if he doesn’t get help.

Mr. Whine:  Yeah, but what is there for him to feel?  He’s estranged from his family, he lives alone, even his dog hates him – I treated him for a nasty cellulitis when the thing bit him last year.  And even if he does sober up he’s damn sick and only going to feel sicker even if he, by some magic, gets a new liver in time.  The only reason he makes his para appointments is so he can fit in his jeans to hit his favorite dive and the only reason he comes to me is for pain med refills.  His life is an addiction chase; he has no other motivation.

Me:  Oh, honey, that’s sad.

Mr. Whine:  Oh honey, that’s the truth.  Believe me, I’ve tried everything over the past 2 years to get him clean.  But he doesn’t want to.  I can’t want to for him.

Me:  I know.  (Sigh)

Mr. Whine:  (Sigh)  (Plays wistfully with spaghetti on plate)  Let’s not talk about our days…  Let’s just go get ice cream.

Me:  OK!  But wait…aren’t we just drowning our sorrows in a different way?

Mr. Whine:  (Smiling deviously)  Yes.  But, you know, I’ve admitted the problem, and that’s the first step***…

.

* Paracentesis

** Lidocaine

*** Ice Cream abstinence has now been instituted in the Whine household.  Going on 13 hours sober…

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14 comments on “Are We Sober Yet?

  1. on thehomefrontandbeyond
    July 19, 2012

    -ice cream sober – I like that–I have to go cupcake sober
    -it is hard to see the tough things in life, especially when we cannot fix them
    -cheers (spoons clanking)

  2. kindredspirit23
    July 19, 2012

    Couldn’t tell quite where that one was going. Great ending!
    Scott

    • mullberrywhine
      July 19, 2012

      Thanks Scott – you know how life likes to keep me guessing – I like to pass that on to my dear readers! 😉

  3. ahyesplans
    July 19, 2012

    I fully support the whole, ice cream makes everything better mentality. My siblings actually chipped in and bought me a gift card to cold stone. My coping mechanisms are THAT obvious.

    Also, you and your husband are really cute.

    • mullberrywhine
      July 19, 2012

      Truly, ice cream is a magic cure all – especially that from Cold Stone. And we are a bit of a funny couple, aren’t we? Sometimes funny ‘ha ha’, sometimes funny ‘strange’…. 😉

  4. astimegoesbuy
    July 19, 2012

    There is no chance that I am even going to TRY to go ice cream sober!
    Don’t think life would be worth living. 🙂
    Cheers,
    Laura

    • mullberrywhine
      July 19, 2012

      Ooooooh, don’t remind me… Now I’m going through withdrawal – cream and sugar DTs…

      • astimegoesbuy
        July 20, 2012

        Oh no! The very worst kind! Having you started hallucinating about cups and cones yet? Are the cows talking to you?
        This could get bad you know?!

        • mullberrywhine
          July 20, 2012

          Oh gosh …this could be bad … I may need an obs stay… or maybe I’ll turn to a supportive dose of chocolate milk – methadone for the ice cream addict’s soul…

          • astimegoesbuy
            July 20, 2012

            Good thinking…you don’t want to go cold turkey on the ice cream…it could get ugly! 😀

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From the Cellar

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House Rules

Creative Commons License
Nothing under the table.
***
The views expressed on "Mullberry Whine" are NOT intended to diagnose or treat disease.
***
The med-ed related stories described here are based on real events. Details have been changed in accordance with HIPAA de-identification guidelines to protect confidentiality.
***
Mullberry Whine can be enjoyed daily; there is no unsafe quantity. Real wine, though, should be enjoyed in moderation. At-Risk Drinking for males under 65 is defined as >14 alcoholic beverages per week or >4/day, with >7 drinks a week or >3/day being the cut-off for females under 65 and for anyone, male or female, who has graced this planet for 65 years for more. Drink Mullberry Whine like there are no consequences. But drink alcohol responsibly. Your friends, your family, your health-care provider, and your liver - heck, ALL of the organs in your body - will thank you.
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